


From Conception to Birth

by Anonymous



Category: Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, First Time, M/M, Mpreg, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:05:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vince drinks what he thinks is an aphrodisiac and accidentally gets pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Conception

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter has some very mild dub-con. If you want to skip ahead to chapter two you are not missing a great deal. So long as you know that Vince drank a fertility potion and became pregnant after sleeping with Howard then you're golden.

Vince looked at the purple bottle carefully. He had had close encounters with Naboo's stash of potions before and didn't want all his hair falling out or to turn into a pixie or something. Though with the right accessories, that could be genius....

There weren't any little skulls or any angry looking pieces of red text on the label, which he took as a good sign. 'Freya's Mead: To restore potency' it read, simply. That looked straightforward enough. Not that he had any problems in the potency department, he just needed something to give him a little extra oomph. He shrugged and then necked the whole bottle. It tasted slightly of honey and burned his throat.

Belatedly, he noticed a small symbol on the corner of the label. It looked slightly like a cross with a bobble head. Oh well, what was the worst thing that could happen?

Vince felt warm and fidgety and there was a strange pulling twinge in his tummy. He walked into Howard's room and saw him reading some boring magazine about jazz, or something similarly dull. It wasn't even glossy! 

The look of quiet concentration on the other man's face was making Vince's insides squirm.

"Howard," he said in a low husky voice as he walked over to the bed and plucked the magazine out of his hands.

"What do you want, Vince?" Howard asked before Vince's hands grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward.

"Vince?" he asked uncertainly, "You look a bit... odd. Do you want me to get Naboo?"

Vince growled and jumped on top of him, straddling his legs.

"Vince?" Howard said in a small voice as he stared into the dilated pupils of his best friend.

Vince started to lean further and further forward, while Howard retreated by leaning back, until they were laying down and Vince's hair was hanging around their faces in a loose curtain.

"I need you, Howard," Vince said and lunged forward, closing the gap between them.

Howard squeaked indignantly and tried to gently push him off. Vince retaliated by reaching between them and stroking Howard's cock into life through the front of his trousers.

"Now see here, Vince," Howard said against Vince's lips, "You can't just come into someone's bedroom, jump on top of them and touch them on the penis."

Vince pulled back and kissed his nose.

"Don't you like it?" he asked, "Come on, Howard. Everyone knows you fancy me. Enjoy yourself for once."

"This is all a bit sudden, can't we just go for a meal and see how things go from there?" Howard protested weakly as Vince pressed several gentle kisses against his lips in quick succession.

"Kiss me, Howard," Vince breathed against his mouth and Howard felt himself surrender.

*

Vince carefully lowered himself down onto Howard's cock slowly, guiding the head into his lube-slicked opening. Howard's mouth formed a silent "oh" as the length of him disappeared inside Vince. Vince started to rock his hips forward but Howard grabbed him tightly and held him still.

"Wait, just a second, while I get used to it," he said through gritted teeth.

Slowly he began to move into the tight heat. He wrapped a large hand around Vince's bobbing erection and rubbed it, while Vince mewed softly. They moved together, slowly at first and then gaining more speed as Howard became more confident. He flipped Vince onto his back and pushed into him hard, slamming the bed forward a few inches. Vince wrapped his legs around his hips and held him tight as they rutted like monkeys.

"Howard, I- I love you," Vince gasped.

Howard's thrusting stuttered and he looked down in shock. Laying beneath him with his cock in hand and looking throughly fucked, Vince was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"You shouldn't say things like that, if you don't mean them," he said cautiously.

Vince frowned and thumped his shoulder.

"You bastard, I finally say it first and you tell me I don't mean it," he said angrily, before Howard's lips sealed over his again.

Howard's hands held his face gently as he pounded into him and he whispered sweetly into his ear while they came together. They lay together, sticky and sated, slowly stroking each other's sweaty skin and kissing sleepily.

"What was all that about?" Howard's voice rumbled in his ear as Vince lay his head on his chest.

"I really like you a lot, Howard," he said kissing an adjacent nipple, "and I wanted to."

"Where does this leave us, exactly?" Howard asked.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend? Or lover, or partner, or bum-chum, or whatever you want to call it," Vince said.

"I love you, Vince. I always have," Howard said quietly.

"I know, Howard. And I love you," Vince sighed happily and closed his eyes.

*

Naboo looked at the empty bottle that had contained the fertility potion.

"Oh bollocks."


	2. Month One

Vince clung to the toilet bowl as he heaved up his breakfast. Naboo was holding his hair back from his face and passing him bits of toilet paper to wipe his mouth and his streaming eyes.

"That it?" he asked and Vince nodded, "Right, you might want to brush your teeth then," he went on, wrinkling his nose.

"Thanks, Naboo," Vince said quietly while Naboo leaned past him to flush the loo, "I'm sure I'll get better soon. It's been a week now."

Naboo looked down guiltily.

"Yeah... about that Vince. You might not be getting better for a while."

Vince looked at him with wide eyes.

"Naboo, be straight with me, am I dying?" he asked with his bottom lip wobbling slightly.

"What? No, you turnip," Naboo's eyebrows shot up in a rare emotive display, "Look, there's no easy way to say this, but you're pregnant."

Vince began to laugh but the sound died in his throat at the look in Naboo's eye.

"You're not serious, I don't have the right bits to have a baby."

"That as may be, but you drank a fertility potion. Potion as in magic, so normal rules don't apply. I told you that it was dangerous to self medicate with my stuff," Naboo said. "You're about a month along, as far as I can tell. But it's a bit hard because doctors calculate from the end of the previous menstrual cycle and you don't have one. A menstrual cycle, that is."

Vince sat down on the floor and clutched his knees.

"And you didn't tell me this earlier, why?" he asked hysterically.

"I was hoping that maybe you weren't," Naboo sighed and sat down next to him. "Didn't want to upset you over a false alarm."

They sat together quietly on the bathroom floor for a while and Naboo awkwardly patted his shoulder.

"There, there," he said in a flat deadpan.

"Cheers Naboo," Vince said into his knees.

Howard took the news in a suitably manly and authoritative manner. He locked himself in the cupboard under the stairs for three hours while Vince talked him down.

Naboo rolled his eyes and went back to childproofing the living room. Almost all his stuff had had to be relocated to the attic if they were going to have a kid around the flat in the next nine months. Really, he should have done this ages ago and they might not be in this situation now. 

"Look Howard, I know it's a bit of a shock, I was bricking it too, but it's not going to be any easier in there," Vince said to the door. "Come on, I can't do this alone," he added quietly.

The door opened and Howard emerged, in as dignified a fashion as a grown man who has spent several hours hiding in a cupboard can muster.

"Hey there," Vince said, giving him a quick squeeze.

"Sorry about that," Howard said, looking at his shoes.

"It's ok," Vince smiled. "It's not everyday you get a bloke pregnant, you're entitled to at least one freak out," he poked Howard in the ribs.

"So... it's definitely mine then," Howard said.

Vince scowled at him.

"Are you calling me a slag?" he asked furiously, "I ain't never cheated on you!"

"No, I mean before we..." Howard made an embarrassed two handed gesture that somehow was meant to indicate the glorious act of gay sex.

"I only took the potion before I did it with you," Vince said. "Besides, I haven't been with anyone else in ages. Not since-" he broke off and stopped talking.

Howard didn't need to know that he'd been cracking ones off to him for nigh on a year and a half. Since the roof.

"I'm sorry," Howard said again and kissed him on the cheek, "I didn't mean to-"

"Can you two ballbags stop the Mills and Boon crap and help with moving the boxes?" Naboo's head poked down from the top of the stairs.

"In his condition?" Howard said, clearly outraged by the suggestion.

"You can carry it all, s'all the same to me," Naboo shrugged.

Howard adopted a suitable man of action pose and went off to carry some boxes.

"You alright?" Naboo asked Vince who smiled weakly.

"It's not really sunk in," he admitted, "Like there's going to be another person growing in there," he poked his stomach and pulled up his shirt.

"You won't start showing for a while yet," Naboo said.

Vince was sticking his belly out as far as it would go. He looked up at the shaman suddenly.

"Here, Naboo, where will it come out?" he asked urgently.

"Depends," Naboo said, leaning against the banister, "Do you want to get a hospital involved? The could do a caesarian, but you'd probably get a lot of paparazzi and stuff."

He considered it quietly. Although he usually thrived on media attention, the idea of every tabloid in the country bothering his and Howard's baby was....

"I don't want that," he frowned, "But are you qualified to deliver a baby? And I hate to keep bangin' on about this, but where-"

"I can adapt a teleportation spell. It'll be tricky, though. There'll be some tissue that's got your DNA and the baby's. I'll have to careful, or else you might haemorrhage."

"Shit," Vince said quietly and absently rubbed his belly again, "You can do it though?"

"Oh yeah, definitely. Probably," Naboo replied.

"Right." Vince swallowed nervously. "You best be worth all this hassle," he said to his middle.

Naboo smiled slightly and went back upstairs to pack his hookah away.


	3. Month Two

The morning sickness had only gotten worse until eventually the only thing Vince could keep down was Ambrosia cream rice. Naboo had taken to morbidly reading about everything you could expect while you were expecting and a great deal of things that nobody expected....

Forlornly poking at his slimy chunks of rice, Vince looked over curiously at Naboo.

"You've been taking that folic acid I gave you?" the shaman asked over the top of his book.

"Yeah," Vince nodded, "Thanks for finding those strawberry flavoured chewable ones, they were genius," he smiled.

"Oh god," Naboo said to his book.

"What?" Vince asked with his mouth full.

"You've already had measles, haven't you?" Naboo asked, walking over to him and pressing a hand to his forehead.

"Get off," Vince said, cuffing him around the head and knocking his turban crooked. "You're worse than Howard."

"Credit me with some dignity, Vince," he replied, straightening his turban.

"You should stop reading that," Vince went on, pointing at the offending piece of literature, "You're driving me mad."

"Excuse me for taking an interest," Naboo sniffed.  
Vince rubbed his tummy again. He'd been doing that a lot lately. The baby was about the size of a pellet and, apparently, looked like a tadpole.

"Hello little pollywog," Vince crooned to his flat stomach, "You don't want any more nasty rice, do you? You want bon-bons and raspberry bootlaces, they're much nicer."

"Please don't tell me that's what we're calling it," Howard walked through the door and hung up his jacket.

Vince sprang to his feet and leapt at Howard, wrapping his legs around the taller man's waist and kissing him full on the mouth. He'd been doing this a lot lately too.

"Careful!" Howard said nervously and set him back down on his feet while Vince snuck another quick kiss.

"I'm not a bloody china doll, Howard," Vince said, poking his nose, "And all these hormones are making me well randy."

"Right, I'm leaving. I did not need to hear that," Naboo left the room covering his ears and scurried off to his own bedroom.

Vince looked up at Howard expectantly and proffered a cheek. Howard made a show of rolling his eyes and blushed as he pressed a warm kiss against his boyfriend/partner/thing's cheek.

"Hello," he said and placed a large hand against Vince's abdomen, stroking it with his thumb.

Vince covered his hand with his smaller ones and smiled up at Howard's awed face.

"He likes you," he said and laid his head against Howard's chest.

"Or she," Howard reminded him gently.

A panicked expression crossed Howard's face.

"Vince, what if it doesn't like me? What if I'm no good at this?"

Vince kissed the hallow of his neck and smiled against his skin.

"You'll be fine, everyone has to learn as they go along. And Naboo and Bollo have already had practice!"

"I suppose so," he sighed, "I'm just a bit worried. I never thought I'd have to deal with something like this."

"Knocking up your best mate out of wedlock?" Vince asked cheekily.

"Well... anyone really. I didn't think that any lady of quality would want to have me as the father of her children and, well, I didn't think it would be an issue with you...."

Vince looked at him very seriously.

"Howard Moon, there is no one in the whole world I would want to have this baby with except you. All those ladies of quality are missing out."

Howard smiled at him crookedly and put his arms around him.

"Thanks Vince," he said, bringing their foreheads together.

He felt an insistent hardness poking at his thigh.

"Now, can we please fuck before my balls fall off and join the circus?" Vince whined.

"C'mere," Howard said and manoeuvred him onto the couch, before dropping to his knees.

He opened Vince's jeans and wrenched them, with his pants, past his hips. The damn things were practically painted on. He wouldn't be able to wear things like this much longer. Howard imaged him with a bump and to his surprise felt his cock twitch at the idea. Vince in a long shirt and nothing else, walking around the flat, heavy with their child. He opened his own flies and pulled out his rapidly stiffening prick with his left hand and urgently pulled himself off, while taking Vince's lovely cock into the back of his mouth, and gripping the base with his right.

In the two months since they'd been 'an item' as Howard delicately put it, or 'shagging like Bonobos' as Bollo had said, Howard had made it a point of pride to become fully versed in the act of fellatio. Catching up on lost time, he'd said, but the truth was he loved having that much power over Vince and being able to control the wanton pleasure that it brought him. He could play him like an instrument by now.

Vince's moans reached higher and higher pitches before he finally came down Howard's throat with a sharp keening sound.

"So good at that," he shivered. "Come back up here." 

He kissed Howard deeply and reached down to replace Howard's fervent hand on his cock. Before long, Howard breathed in sharply and came into Vince's tight little fist. The smaller man licked some of the semen off his hand and sucked his finger thoughtfully.

"You really like tasting that?" Howard asked.

"Ambrosia," Vince winked and kissed him again and Howard tasted both of them on his tongue.


	4. Month Three

No matter how hard he pulled, he could only get his jeans midway up his thighs. Vince sat down on the bed and sniffled, trying not to fall to pieces over a pair of trousers. 

While he certainly wasn't noticeably pregnant yet, he felt uncomfortably bloated and his legs were covered in thick blue veins. His clothes had started to feel tight recently, around his waist and bottom, but he'd been able to just about squeeze himself into them. Until now.

Of course this was normal, insofar as his pregnancy could be said to be normal. People did get a bit bigger all over when they were pregnant. He had known, logically, that he wouldn't stay magically svelte indefinitely, but those red jeans cutting off the circulation in his legs mid-thigh were shockingly upsetting.

He pulled them off and hung them back up and glumly looked for something in his wardrobe that would fit him. Eventually he found a pair of flares, that had hung off him back in the zoo, that he could just about negotiate his way into. His arse filled out the jeans and stretched the denim and he could feel his thighs brushing together. Setting his mouth in a firm line and refusing to allow the lump in his throat to force its way into full blown sobbing, he walked out the door and into the living room.

Naboo and Bollo looked up from their game of strip snap (which Naboo was beginning to suspect Bollo had an unfair advantage in) and nodded casually.

"I need to buy some clothes," Vince announced in the tones of a man whose beloved Labrador has left him for another dog-owner.

They looked at him in polite confusion. Usually this statement would be delivered in giddy excitement.

"Fat person clothes," he clarified, wincing.

"Can't you just borrow some of Howard's stuff? You should wait until you're too big for them before you start a spending frenzy in Topshop. We're not made of money, you know," Naboo asked.

"Just because I look like a hippo walking on its hind legs doesn't mean I have to completely abandon any fashionable impulse I ever had and dress like a geography teacher," Vince said stiffly.

Sighing, Naboo handed over his credit card and removed his left sock.

"Socks count as one garment," Bollo complained.

"I've already taken off my turban, what more do you want from me?" Naboo replied tetchily.

*

When Vince arrived home he felt slightly better. Not much though, he was too big for a lot of the clothes in Topshop and had to look elsewhere. Skinny jeans were completely out and he'd had to get a few pairs of looser, slightly less fashionable, trousers that he could wear. He had also bought a copy of Trinny and Susannah's 'What Not To Wear' to get some tips on dressing to disguise his weight gain.

He burst into their bedroom with scores bags loped high up both arms. Howard got up immediately and took them from him, staggering slightly at the weight.

"How much did you buy?" he asked incredulously, "You're not going to be able to wear most of these before you can't fit into them anymore."

He stopped dead at the look Vince gave him. He swallowed and kissed him apologetically.

"How was your day?" he asked, changing the subject.

"I think I understand people who aren't naturally fashionable better. Topshop assistants really turn on you when you can't fit into the large anymore," Vince replied, deciding to forgive Howard's faux pas.

He bent over to fish something out of one of his bags and felt a pair of hands groping his newly rounded bottom. 

"I missed your pumpkin ass," Howard said in a low husky voice, making it impossible for Vince to take offence.

Vince leaned backwards into the touch and Howard squeezed his cheeks.

"Took me ages on the GI diet to get rid of my fat arse," Vince said in a vaguely distracted voice. "I wish you'd said something."

"Like what exactly? 'Vince I really like perving on your glorious rear end, please don't eat that malt loaf'?" Howard murmured into his neck.

"That would've done, yeah," Vince whispered almost inaudibly.

As Howard slipped a hand down his pants and gently drew him onto the bed, Vince thought that gaining a bit of weight wasn't all that bad.


	5. Month Four

"Naboo, since this is a magic crystal you're using, do I really have to have my shirt pulled up?" Vince asked the shaman.

"Oh yeah," Naboo blinked slowly.

Vince scowled and pulled his top down. He was beginning to suspect that Naboo had learned all his midwifery from medical dramas.

"The internet, mostly," Naboo said enigmatically.

Howard looked on perplexed and held Vince's hand.

"Alright, here we go."

They looked eagerly into the crystal ball and a fuzzy image began to appear. Vince held his breath and took his first look at the baby growing inside him.

"'s about the size of a peach now," Naboo said, "Do you want to know if it's a girl or a boy?"

"We hadn't really discussed it," Howard said and looked at Vince who snapped out of his reverie.

He bit his lip, torn between wanting to go shopping for baby clothes now and not wanting to spoil the surprise.

"Leave it a bit, yeah? We can always change our mind later," Vince said and went back to looking at his baby. Their baby.

Naboo nodded and a small area of pixels materialised in a strategic part of the image.

Vince touched the slight curve of his abdomen and smiled. He felt a slight fluttering in his stomach, like butterflies. He looked down at his middle.

"Did you just-"

He felt it again.

"Howard!" he grabbed his free hand and held it against where he felt the movement. "Do you feel that?" he asked.

A small crease appeared between Howard's eyebrows.

"I can't- What was that?" He jumped up abruptly.

"Give me a go." Naboo elbowed him out of the way and placed both of his small hands on Vince's bump.

"I can feel it!" he looked up and flashed a rare smile at Vince who beamed back at him.

Howard eyed the bump dangerously and looked back at the crystal ball briefly, before putting his hand back beside Naboo's. They waited in silence for a while and the baby kicked gently again. Howard laughed. He rubbed Vince's belly and turned to kiss him on the mouth. He brought his other hand up to Vince's cheek and cradled his face.

"Our baby," he said and they grinned at each other.

"Are you scared?" Vince asked.

"Terrified," Howard admitted. "But I've got you to help me."

The sound of a tiny sob broke through the silence. They turned to look at Naboo who was wiping his eyes hurriedly.

"Naboo?" Vince said, biting back a smile, "You alright, mate?"

"It's just all your stupid hormones affecting me," he replied insistently.

"Aw, Uncle Naboo," Vince said fondly and Naboo held up a warning finger before dissolving into more tears.

Vince wrapped his arms around the little shaman and Howard discretely went to fetch Bollo.

They left Naboo cuddled up in a pair of strong ape arms and retreated back to their room.

"He's just an old softy, really," Vince said smiling, before leaning in to kiss Howard again.

The kiss was a soft press of lips against lips, evolving slowly into a slow slide of mouths.

"How genius was that?" Vince asked quietly.

"Pretty magical," Howard replied, rubbing his hands up and down Vince's arms slowly.

"Pretty good kick for someone the size of a peach," Vince said and smiled indulgently at his tummy, giving it a stroke, "Do you think that we'll get a little boy and we can play footy in the park together when he's older?"

"Girls can play football too," Howard said, "Remember 'Bend it Like Beckham'?"

"Yeah, that film was genius," Vince said, before poking Howard playfully. "You seem pretty dead set on a girl," he said.

"Little girls are sweet," Howard said and blushed, "Sugar and spice or slugs and snails? There's no contest."

"Aw, and here I thought you liked me better than a smelly old girl," Vince pouted. "Rather be off with some girl enjoying her sugar and spice? I quite understand."

"Well boys can be sweet too," Howard conceded as Vince pushed him onto the bed and lay on top of him.

"Yeah?" Vince murmured into his hair.

"Oh yeah," Howard whispered.

Between them, the baby kicked again. Vince pulled back and rolled onto his side.

"Junior doesn't approve," he said, cuddling up to Howard and resting his head on his shoulder. "Fancy a cuddle and a nap?"

"Why not?" Howard replied and wrapped his arms around Vince, "That baby has to sleep eventually, I don't mind waiting."


	6. Month Five

At five months pregnant, it was beginning to become obvious. When he went out, Vince femmed it up as much as he could. He'd even shaved off his sideburns.

One of the downsides of pregnancy was the way that his abdomen seemed to become fair game to anyone who fancied a grope. He didn't mind Howard or Naboo and Bollo, who to their credit usually asked first, but strangers out in the city would feel fine putting their hands on him uninvited. He was usually a very tactile person, but he was beginning to see the point of Howard's old 'don't touch me' policy (though that was just Howard being neurotic, no one had been seizing his stomach abruptly without warning. Except, for- well, it was different anyway).

He lifted up a maternity t-shirt and examined it critically.

"Can I help you?" A tiny shop assistant materialised beside him.

"You don't have anything with Bowie or Jagger on it in the maternity section, do you?" Vince asked without much hope.

"I'm afraid not," the girl lamented, "When are you due?"

"'nother four months," Vince said.

"Do you want a girl or a boy?" she pressed him. Christ, they weren't half pushy in M&S.

"I'm not bothered really, but my... husband wants a little girl," he replied cautiously and was rewarded with a wide smile.

"Would you like any thing else that I can help you with?" she asked radiating enthusiasm.

In the end he spent another forty minutes with her, examining the relative merits of most of the different maternity clothes on offer. She had been keen to take him to the children's department, but he excused himself with a smile and paid for his purchases.

"Rosie's a bit keen," the girl at the till said apologetically. 

"No, she was lovely," he lied sweetly.

"How was shopping?" Naboo asked, wincing at the number of bags.

"I met your bizarro world twin," Vince sighed, deepening his voice for the first time that day.

Naboo looked blankly at him.

"I don't have a twin," he said flatly.

"How's your mood swings?" Vince teased, "I've got some booties, is it safe to take them out?"

Naboo frowned at him and flipped him the bird. He went back to his new book.

" 'Spiritual Midwifery'? That sounds a bit airy fairy," Vince squinted at the cover.

"It was written by a lady who's delivered hundreds of babies, naff off," Naboo replied.

Vince sighed dramatically and flounced off. He walked into the kitchen where Howard was writing something. He looked up at him and smiled.

"What's that?" Vince asked curiously and looked over his shoulder.

The page was divided neatly in two and was filled with girls names on one side and boys on the other, written in different coloured inks. Vince chuckled and kissed him on the cheek.

"I hope you don't mind me having a go without you" Howard said shyly as Vince sat down on his knee.

"Give us a look then." Vince took the paper and scanned down it quickly.

"I'm calling no child of mine Jeremy, I'll tell you that now," he said. "Sounds like an accountant."

"Do you have any thoughts then?" Howard asked him.

"I was thinking... Michael," Vince said carefully, "Or maybe David."

"We're not naming our baby after glam rock musicians," Howard said firmly.

"Fine," Vince crossed his arms. "What about Oliver? I like the play."

"For a girl or a boy?" Howard pinched him slyly.

"Actually, it's well cool giving girls boy's names. Like Sam and Andy and Jamie and Dylan and-"

"Sweet Polly Oliver," Howard interrupted.

Vince looked at him puzzled.

"You what?" he asked.

"It's an old song about a girl who dressed up as a boy to go and be a soldier."

"Wicked. Androgyny is well cool. Sing it for me," Vince commanded.

"I don't know...." Howard said shyly.

"I'm carrying you child, you can sing me a song," Vince said insistently and Howard cleared his throat.

" _As sweet Polly Oliver lay musing in bed,  
A sudden strange fancy came into her head.  
"Nor father nor mother shall make me false prove,  
I'll 'list as a soldier, and follow my love."_ "

Vince looked down at his stomach and lifted Howard's hand onto his bump.

"Keep going," he said softly.

"  _So early next morning she softly arose,  
And dressed herself up in her dead brother's clothes.  
She cut her hair close, and she stained her face brown,  
And went for a soldier to fair London Town._ " Howard's eyebrows shot up.

Vince smiled at him. The baby was kicking in time with the beat.

"Boy or girl, little guy has better rhythm than you," Howard smiled and Vince flicked his ear.


	7. Month Six

"Is this ok? Am I hurting you?" Howard asked nervously.

"If you don't start moving, I'm going to hurt you!" Vince fumed from underneath him.

Howard was precariously perched on top of his heavily pregnant lover, trying not to put any weight on his distended belly with varying degrees of success.

"I don't think this is working," he admitted.

"You think I'm ugly," Vince accused him. "I fucking knew it. It's the stretch marks, isn't it?"

"No, no," Howard replied hastily.

"So you just think I'm fat?"

"I think you're beautiful, you know that."

"You haven't said you didn't think I was fat," Vince said pointedly.

"You're pregnant, everyone puts on a little weight. And you're not fat," Howard said, feeling that the conversation was fast getting away from him, "Look, I think this would work better if I lay down and you went on top."

"Ok," Vince said grumpily and slid out from underneath him as they swapped places.  
Vince guided Howard back inside himself and sat down gingerly on his hips. He began to rock his hips and rolled his head back. His increased weight anchored him heavily onto Howard's cock. Howard groaned and thrust up into him eagerly. He held onto his waist (or where it used to be, at any rate) and pulled him backwards and forwards.

"You're so fucking gorgeous," he said and Vince moaned loudly, his ego being his largest erogenous zone.

"Do you still fancy me?" Vince stuttered as Howard thrust over his prostate repeatedly.

"You get me so hard," he growled back.

"Sit up, I want to try something," Vince said breathlessly and started to turn around.

Howard obediently sat up and allowed Vince to pull his arms around him.

"Rock into me," Vince said over his shoulder.

His hair was sweaty and his eyeliner was smudged all over his face. Howard kissed him. The angle was awkward and somehow that only made it hotter. He had his hands on Vince's prominent bump as he thrust into him. Vince pulled back from the kiss slightly and looked into his eyes.

"Bite my neck," he said in a lust roughened voice.

"Are you su-" Howard began.

"Just do it!"

Howard bit lightly into the soft skin on his neck and lapped at it delicately.

"Harder!" Vince said irritably.

"I don't want to hurt you," Howard said shakily.

"Well I do want you to hurt me, so tough," Vince responded.

He sunk his teeth in deeper and sucked hard at Vince's pulse point and was rewarded by a long drawn out whimper.

"You kinky bitch," Howard muttered against his neck and Vince moaned louder.

"Wank me off," he begged.

Grunting, Howard transferred a hand from Vince's middle to his pulsing cock and started to squeeze it and pull it in time to the motions of their hips. Soon, Vince was yelping and coming into his hand with a little sob. The spasming around him made Howard follow seconds later. For a while they stayed joined and panting together until Vince lifted himself off. Howard mourned the loss momentarily and lay down heavily, loping an arm around Vince.

"'s not moving," Howard mumbled with a hand on Vince's middle, "Is that alright?"

"Yeah, the rocking just put him to sleep is all. He'll be up dancing on my bladder in a bit," Vince replied and yawned. "I think I'll get some kip too."

He moved closer to Howard until they were touching all along the sides of their bodies and hummed happily.


	8. Month Seven

The only thing better than clothes shopping was clothes shopping for babies. Howard had told him that he should only get a few gender neutral things that would see them through the first week, but he was hardly going to start taking shopping advice for Howard at this stage. Never mind their somewhat differing ideas of what the phrase "gender neutral" entailed.

They had broken and asked Naboo to tell them the baby's sex, but the little so-and-so had decided to get all coy and was lying in such a position that they couldn't tell. Bloody typical. Still boys wore glittery pink t-shirts as well, so that was something.

Naboo had remarked darkly that he should at least have part shares in their baby's soul, with all the scary credit card bills he was going through on its behalf. He'd said it in a jokey way though. Probably. Ooh a towelling robe with a frog hood! He should probably get the one with the bear hood too, just to be on the safe side.

*

"Vince did you or did you not tell me that you were going out for ten white vests, five babygros and a romper suit?" Howard asked him, moustache bristling.

"I got them too... somewhere," Vince said guiltily.

"We're going to have to return most of this," Howard sighed. "Aside from anything else, we haven't the room to store it all."

"I'm rubbish at returning clothes, Howard, I just end up getting more. They're very convincing, these sales assistants. I once left Topshop convinced that I needed zero gravity cowboy boots. I'm not even sure what they are," Vince said.

"Get Bollo to do it, he's immune to motivated salesmanship," Howard replied firmly.

In the end they returned most of the stuff after a long and detailed inventory of everything Vince had bought. There were a few things that he would not be swayed on though.

"Do you know how quickly babies grow? We'll get a week's wear out of some of this stuff, you have to be more practical."

"I was going to have an entire photo shoot based around that outfit."

"This isn't like the zoo, Vince. You might be able to convince porcupines to model for you, but-"

"Oh fine, spoil all my fun."

"This isn't supposed to be fun!"

"I don't know what parenting books you've been reading!"

"Fine, we'll keep the Rolling Stones button under, but you are not customising it with studs."

The next week Vince sent all the sensible plain white clothes that Howard had approved to a genial middle aged hippy who tie dyed them for him. When questioned about this later, he said that his baby was too cute for plain colours.

Vince sat down carefully on the sofa and gratefully accepted the cup of cocoa that Naboo pressed into his hands.

"We should start talking about how this is going to happen," Naboo said when he was sitting down.

"I thought you said that you were doing a spell or something," Vince said.

"I am, but there's stuff you need to know about," Naboo went on.

"Shouldn't Howard be here?" Vince asked.

"We'll tell him later. Look surprised."

He produced an apple and showed it to Vince who tried to look like he knew what was going on.

"I've been practising teleporting the pips out without damaging the apple," Naboo said and waved his hand over the fruit.

Four apple seed appeared on the table and Naboo examined them closely. One still had a fleck of flesh attached to it. He sighed.

"It's coming along, first time I tried it the apple exploded," he said, "Anyway, you'll start having little contractions on and off soon. Don't worry about that, it's just your body getting ready for the birth. If you feel like it's a bit dodgy, call me. I don't care what time it is or where you are."

Vince looked at him and wiggled uncomfortably in his seat.

"Is there anything you want to ask me?" Naboo asked politely.

"Well... yeah," Vince admitted, "is this normal?" he asked, pulling up his top to reveal two pert little double A breasts.

Naboo stared for a full minute. They were high and round and mostly nipple and most definitely breasts as opposed to flabby pectorals.

"They really hurt if I poke them," Vince said, demonstrating.

"Don't poke them," was Naboo's sage advice, "and maybe wear a bra."

"Will that help?"

"It would help me."

"Right," Vince pulled his top down and blushed.

"It's fine Vince, it's all the hormones. I'll make a potion for you that'll get rid of them once you've given birth," Naboo said and patted his hand.

"I'm all about taking the androgyny to the kids, but this is going a bit far," Vince said, kicking the sofa dejectedly.

They heard Howard coming in and Naboo scooped the apple and the pips off the table.

"Right, remember this is all news to you," he said, "Howard! Come into the living room, antenatal check-up!"


	9. Month Eight

"Why did I say I'd do this again?" Naboo mumbled into the cake tray. "Bollo no hash, this is a PG-13 party!"

Vince was overseeing the decoration of the living room, which mainly consisted of standing with his hands on his hips and telling Howard where he was going wrong. His voice drifted through the thin walls to the kitchen.

"We need more confetti, what are you doing with that? It goes here not there!"

"I can't do this sober," Naboo moaned and buried his head in his arms.

The guest milled around awkwardly, they weren't used to seeing each other casually without being under the influence of a cocktail of various drugs.

"This is deeply weird," Saboo said under his breath to Tony Harrison.

"'aven't you ever been to one of these things? You tell the bird she's glowing, leave the present on the 'eap and pretend to be interested in reusable nappies," the tentacled alien replied.

"That is most definitely a man," Saboo discretely pointed to Vince.

"Bullshit!" Tony said loudly and Dennis looked over at them warningly.

"No word of a lie. Freya's Mead, Naboo says."

"Shit... I might need to rethink a few basic principles."

"You are a sick man," Saboo spat disgustedly, "Or you would be if you were, in fact, a biped and qualified for the description."

Vince was being treated to a long motherly chat by a green skinned witch who was telling him horror stories about child birth and patting his bump occasionally.

"-and then my second had the cord round his neck and the midwife had to reach  _up_  and-"

"Vince, I need to introduce you to someone," Naboo said grabbed his elbow and steered him away gently.

"Thanks Naboo," Vince sighed.

"Don't mention it, she means well, but nobody in your condition needs to hear that," Naboo delivered him to the a curly haired young man with a dazed expression, "Pete look after him for a bit, yeah?"

"What?" Pete asked confusedly, "'allo gorgeous."

Naboo rolled his eyes and went to find Howard.

Coming back with Howard, Naboo found Vince dandling Kirk on his knee.

"Ah, that's maybe not the best idea, Vince," he said carefully.

Kirk was leaning against his shoulder and stroking his belly softly. Shameless pervert.

"Naboo he is so cute!" Vince said happily, "I just want to bite his little cheeks."

Before Kirk could say anything, Naboo shooed him off. Vince gave him a kiss on the cheek and the young shaman walked off with an unsettling grin on his face.

"That was disturbing," Naboo shivered and pushed Howard towards Vince, "Go mingle," he instructed them and went back to serve more nibbles.

"Why can't everyone just come and mingle with me, I'm tired," Vince whined as Howard helped him up.

"You wanted a party, Vince," Howard said, letting the younger man rest most of his weight against him.

"That was before I realised how much walking I'd be expected to do," Vince grumbled and plastered on a smile as someone approached them.

*

"Ooh! It's a... Naboo, what is this?" Vince said as he opened the first present.

"It's myrrh," Naboo said after a cursory inspection. "Cheers Dennis."

Dennis nodded smugly. Howard put it to one side and handed Vince the next parcel. He took it and tore the paper excitedly as Howard winced at the waste.

"A papoose!" Vince said.

"That's from me and Mrs. Harrison," Tony said and Vince smiled at him.

Naboo's hand found Howard's and gave it a brief squeeze. Howard looked at him questioningly and Naboo frowned back and avoided his eye.

*

"Bye!" Kirk wrapped his arms around Vince and rubbed his cheek against him before Saboo plucked him off him and started to quietly chastise him.

"That was nice," Vince said and leaned against Howard tiredly.

Naboo was slumped on the sofa with Bollo stroking his hair slowly.

"Put the kettle on will ya Howard," Naboo mumbled.

"I'll get it," Vince kissed him and waddled into the kitchen.


	10. Month Nine

That morning, Vince woke with the realisation that any day now there would be a small, helpless baby in their midst and the flat was filthy. He slipped out of bed quietly and started cleaning. It was then half five in the morning. He was still cleaning when Howard woke up at nine and walked through the now pristine flat to find Vince on his hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor.

"What are you doing?" he asked anxiously and tried to help him up, but Vince brushed his off.

"Oh good, you're up," he said, pushing his fringe out of his eyes, "I've been thinking, you should get a start on assembling that Ikea wardrobe we got for the baby's room. And when you've finished that, I think you should repaint that room."

"Vince, you painted it last week," Howard said cautiously.

"The walls were looking a bit dull when I was cleaning the windows in there earlier," Vince replied insistently.

"Probably because it was still dark out. How long have you been up?" he asked with concern.

"A while," Vince shrugged and went back to scrubbing vigorously, "What are you still doing here? Get assembling!"

Howard left the room reluctantly, looking over his shoulder at Vince industriously scrubbing away.

Though he would never confess to it, he usually relied on Vince to look after DIY issues. He himself was a bit useless at that sort of thing. He briefly considered going into Naboo's room to rouse Bollo and enlist his help, but almost immediately decided against it. Those two were never up before twelve, unless they hadn't been to bed yet, and they would not appreciate him waking them. 

Alone then.

It didn't help that the instructions were written in every even vaguely European language, including Sindarin, and he kept losing track of where the English instructions were. Three hours and several false starts later, a serviceable wardrobe stood in the corner of what had been his room before he moved in with Vince and would now be the baby's room. He took a moment to look at it in justifiable pride before going to check on Vince.

He found him balancing on a stool, hoovering cobwebs off the ceiling. He approached him slowly from the side, like he was a skittish pony and unplugged the hoover. Vince turned to glare at him before he winced slightly and touched his middle.

"Vince, I think you should get down from that wobbly, uneven stool, all things considered," Howard said, putting his arms up to help him down.

Vince took his hands and carefully stepped down.

"Did you paint the room?" he asked.

"No, I assembled the wardrobe, like you said," Howard replied.

"It took ya this long!" Vince exclaimed and winced again.

"What's wrong?" Howard asked, putting an arm around him nervously.

"Just some Braxton Hicks contractions," Vince said through gritted teeth. " I've had them on and off since I woke up, but they're getting closer together now...." Vince trailed off and turned to look at Howard with wide eyes.

"Get Naboo?" Howard asked.

"Yes please," he nodded.


	11. Birth

Howard rushed into Naboo's room without knocking and saw him curled against his familiar's chest, his sleeping breath blowing gently at Bollo's fur. He'd think about that later.

"Naboo, wake up," Howard shook him by his narrow shoulders.

"I'm an exploding mouse!" Naboo shouted quite clearly and rolled over.

Howard kept shaking him and eventually he opened his eyes blearily.

"Howard? What you doing?" he asked him tiredly.

"Baby!" Howard said and shook him again for emphasis.

"Go away, 'm sleeping," Naboo started to close his eyes again.

"Baby! Being born! Now!"

His eyes snapped open and stared back at Howard.

"Now!" Howard said and pulled at his arm.

Naboo pushed the blanket off and thumped Bollo on the shoulder. The ape groaned and rolled over.

"Baby," Naboo muttered and Bollo rubbed his eyes.

"Bollo sleeping," he rumbled.

"Their baby," Naboo thumped him again. "Now."

Vince was stripped down to a long t-shirt and was down on all fours. He was crying with the pain as the child inside him tried to force its way out of an orifice that he didn't possess.

"Get it out," he sobbed, "Please, I can't do this anymore, it hurts."

Naboo guided him into a squatting position and put his hands under his shirt onto his straining belly.

"Do it now," Vince said with tears running down his face.

"I can't yet, it's harder than with an apple and you're more important," Naboo said.

He turned to an ashy faced Howard.

"Help him do his breathing," he said.

Howard nodded and moved closer to Vince.

"Remember, Vince? In, in, out," Howard said, demonstrating.

"It's too hard," Vince said. "I can't."

"Yes you can, little man," Howard said and kissed his forehead as another contraction squeezed Vince's insides cruelly. "You can do it."

Vince started to breath slowly through the pain and braced himself against Howard.

"I need to move again," he said and clutched at him as he stood up and walked for a little while, before squatting down again and resting his weight forward on his hands.

"I don't want to be like the apple," Vince gasped. "I don't want to explode."

"That won't happen. Right, Naboo?" Howard looked over at the shaman.

"Prob-" he began.

"Right, Naboo?" Howard repeated himself more firmly.

"Yeah, of course," Naboo replied hurriedly.

Vince whimpered quietly and grabbed Howard's hand tightly.

"Don't be scared," Howard said cuddling him close, "You're so brave, I'm so proud of you. My brave little Mowgli, it's nearly over."

He looked over at Naboo who looked even paler than usual.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

Naboo nodded and went over to them silently and laid his hands against him gently and started to chant in his soft lisping voice. For a second there was a silence and then – a thin cry broke it. Vince's body took a minute to realise that the infant it was trying to give birth to had vacated the premises and calm down.

In Naboo's arms lay a small pink bundle, smeared with red. A blueish cord connected the tiny person to the meaty afterbirth.. Naboo snapped his fingers and the cord severed neatly and fell to the ground.

"Hello, little baby," Naboo said and stroked its cheek with the tip of his index finger.

Vince held his arms out, trembling with a combination of nerves and exhaustion.

"Let me see," he said and Naboo passed the newborn carefully to its father.

Vince gasped slightly and Howard looked up in worry.  
"Oh," he said quietly, "oh it's you!"

His little girl, the child who had single handedly gotten him better acquainted with his toilet than he'd ever wanted to be over the past nine months, his dancer, his little tadpole.

"Hello little pollywog," he cradled the baby against his chest and looked up with his full eyes shining with unshed tears.

Howard leaned towards them, feeling like he was intruding when he saw the tender adoration in Vince's eyes.

"Polly or Oliver?" he asked after a small pause.

"Both," said Vince suddenly. "I mean that's what I want to call her. Sweet Polly Oliver."

Howard sat down next to the two of them.

"A girl?" he asked, reaching out to hold her perfect hand in his palm. It wasn't even the length of his pinky finger.

She grabbed his finger tightly.

"She's stronger than she looks," he said fondly and stroked her slightly wet head with his other hand.

"I read that that's because you learn to grab before you learn how to let go," Vince said and put his hand on Howard's forearm softly, "I ain't learned yet."

They smiled at each other and went back to looking at their baby.

*

Dressed in a pink and purple tie-dye that Vince had gotten out of the dinky little wardrobe, Polly Oliver Moon-Noir was sleeping on her fathers' laps peacefully, with four hands keeping her from rolling off the side of the couch as she had valiantly attempted escape in her dreams. Naboo, it seemed, had gotten a blank birth certificate from a friend of a friend for them to fill in after her birth, that he had spirited off in a mysterious way before the ink was dry (well, after he'd photocopied it and filed the original, but still).

Polly yawned and Vince admired her little rosebud mouth and her gummy maw.

"D'you reckon she'll find the cure for hat-hair or fly a plane or something?" Vince asked quietly.

"Maybe," Howard replied, "but we'd still love her if she worked in the bank and dated a solicitor."

"Howard!" Vince covered the baby's ears, "None of this talking about dating solicitors, you'll give her ideas!"

Her eyes fluttered open, unfocused and short sighted. They were still the bright cobalt blue of a newborn's, but were already flecked with brown. She would have Howard's eyes, albeit probably just in colour if not in size as they were wide and long lashed. It was too early to tell how her button nose would change as she grew. Her short, fuzzy hair was blond and wavy. She was, in her fathers' considered opinion, the prettiest baby who had ever existed.

"You woke her up," Vince hissed, frowning at Howard.

They waited for the cry, that never came, and breathed a sigh of relief. Already in her short three hours in the world, she'd experimented in how loudly she could indicate her distress. They relaxed again and Howard picked her up held her carefully in his arms, that seemed too large to hold something so tiny and delicate. She burped quietly and blew some bubbles in a serious manner.

"Are we going to be ok at this?" Vince asked, almost to himself.

Howard smiled at him.


End file.
